


Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (with anyone else but me)

by auroradameron



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Slow Burn, a spark that will light the fire of the slow burn, like so slow, more of a spark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 04:53:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20002630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auroradameron/pseuds/auroradameron
Summary: Rey doesn't like being cooped up on base for long periods of time.Poe is struggling to hold it together and needs a place to escape to.Unbeknownst to the two of them, they are running away to the same, "secret" spot.





	1. Chapter 1

"That may be the stupidest thing you've ever said."

"Or, or is it the smartest idea anyone in the Resistance has had?" Finn raised his eyebrows, poking his fork in Rey’s face.

"How is it a smart idea?!" Rey shot back, her face incredulous.

"It would be the fastest way to get a lot of credits, and we can take 'em from people who are basically just throwing their money away anyways," Finn said, shrugging. "I think it's a win-win situation for everyone."

Poe stared at his cup of water, barely registering the argument between his two friends. His mind was galaxies away, replaying moments from the Raddus through his head. Images of an unconscious Leia, Holdo's steely gaze, a blaster in his hand, and Connix's worried face flashed quickly in his mind. He shut his eyes, as if that would put a stop to the memories or the returning anxiety that had first manifested on that long, weary day. A sweeping rush of guilt and shame followed, a potent cocktail of feelings he was all too familiar with nowadays.

As Finn and Rey continued to bicker, seemingly unaware of how quiet he had become, Poe slipped the two small daelfruits remaining from his tray into his pocket and rose from the table. "I've gotta go look at some charts the General wanted me to study."

"Poe,” Finn turned to him, gesturing towards the Jedi. “Tell Rey that I'm--"

"You are never going back to Canto Bight. Ever," he said, pointing a finger in Finn’s face. He didn’t try to disguise the sternness in his voice and hoped Finn would think he was playing along with his terrible joke of an idea.

"I wasn't talking about me, I was just saying someone should go and rob it!" Finn’s eyes were wide, playing the innocent.

Poe shook his head, breathing deep. "I've got charts to look at it.”

Finn nodded his head, but Rey looked at him quizzically. "Poe, are you---"

"See you later, Poe," Finn cut in, causing Rey to glare at him.

"See you later, buddy." Poe nodded towards Rey. "Later, Jedi girl."

He rushed out of the mess hall, shoving his tray into the hands of a service droid at the door, and started quickly down the hallway. He needed to get away, _now_.

Poe headed towards his quarters, then almost immediately turned around. Snap, Jessika, and Finn were always coming and going from his room and he didn't want to see anybody right now. He turned down the hallway heading towards the hangar, thinking about how easy it would be to just take a ship, leave this kriffing planet, and circle the upper atmosphere for an hour or so. No one would question him. _Except for Leia_ , he thought, his footsteps slowing. Leia would ask him what prompted such a joyride and he'd be forced to lie or tell the truth. Neither option was one he could handle.

His breathing quickened, and he could feel the panic start to rise. Without quite knowing how he got there, he pushed on one of the doors leading to the outside and practically gasped in the fresh air. They hadn’t exactly been confined to the indoors, but Poe had been so busy with meetings, briefings, and the occasional mission, he hadn't had much downtime since they'd made base on the small planet. Turning, Poe looked at the groups of people gathered outside; some eating, some talking, a few playing a game of sabacc on storage crates. There were still too many eyes out here.

Looking out in the distance, Poe noticed a pathway through the tall grass, heading up one of the hills the base was situated between. He took a deep breath, drew his head towards his chest, and headed straight for the path, walking as if he knew exactly where he was going.

A few large, dark clouds had gathered in the sky, and the two small suns were beginning to lower beneath them. Poe didn’t pay any attention to the clouds, the sky, the trees, or anything else on his hike up the hill. He simply followed the path and didn’t think about anything else but finding where it ended.

After several minutes and twists and turns, the path dumped him out into a small, sloped clearing. Poe hadn't realized how green and full of life the planet was. He could hear the songs of some form of bird, and the chittering of small creatures. At least he hoped they were creatures and not bugs. He wasn't sure he wanted to deal with any insects large enough to make that kind of racket. He picked a tree to the right of the path and sat down, leaning his back against its smooth trunk.

Poe sat for several minutes, watching the suns sink further behind the trees, when he realized that if he really was at the hill summit, he should have a better view of the base and surrounding hills. He stood up, turned around, looking at the tops of the trees behind him, and sure enough, they continued to get bigger the further back he could see.

It was then he noticed large rocks, in an almost perfect line, leading up into the trees, as if pointing to the true hill summit. He decided to follow them, and when he got closer, it looked as if they had been recently placed here. He lengthened his strides, hurrying, for what reason he wasn't sure. Suddenly, he had broken free of the trees, and the horizon opened up before him. There was the base to his right, actually much closer than he had thought, and more hills stretching out to his left. There were three tree stumps in the middle of the clearing. He walked towards them, sat down, and used one of the stumps as a backrest.

He took in the view he’d gone searching for. The suns were sinking into the horizon, turning the storm clouds a deep navy blue and brushing the hilltops with an orange glow. Poe closed his eyes, and took a deep breath; he could smell the rain coming. It reminded him of Yavin 4, and the summer storms, but there was an edge to the air here that was absent back home. He opened his eyes, pulling one of the daelfruits from his pocket, and began to peel the tough outer rind. He felt a bit calmer, alone at last and quiet with his thoughts, and slowly ate the peeled fruit.

Of course, the problem now was that he was _alone_ with his thoughts. Shaking his head, he thought back to the moment when Finn had said those two words---”Canto Bight”---and set him off.

Poe thought he'd been getting better. He told Leia he was doing better. He didn't need to see anyone to talk about it. He was learning from his mistakes, and moving on. Isn't that what she wanted? It was what she wanted to hear and what he desperately wanted to be true. Yet, here he was, weeks later, barely sleeping, spiraling down the moment someone brought up those awful hours.

He pulled the second piece of fruit from his pocket, giving it a small squeeze. He had learned and changed from that day. Remember when he ordered everyone to fall back on Crait? That was learning. _Yeah, but if you hadn't sent Finn and Rose off on that insane mission..._

He shook his head. This was the circle he came to, every time. If he hadn't ignored orders and taken down the Dreadnought, the Resistance would've been wiped out. He had no way of knowing that at the time, but it _was_ true.

But what was also true was the fact that if he hadn't agreed to help Finn and Rose, the First Order wouldn't have known about Holdo's decoy and transport plan. Even if everything else had gone the way it did that day---including his absurd mutiny---if Canto Bight hadn't happened, they would've all safely escaped to Crait. No matter which way he turned it, he couldn't escape the fact that most of their ships, their people, Admiral Holdo---they were dead because of him.

There was a loud crack of thunder, and Poe threw the fruit away in a rage, screaming, expelling the pent up anger that had been building since dinner. Rain began to fall, gently at first, and Poe laughed, because _of course_ it would rain the one time he decided to venture outside. He waited a few more seconds, until his hair and clothes were thoroughly wet, then slowly got to his feet, and made his way back to base. Someone would be needing him shortly, and he didn't feel like meeting them soaked to the bone.

* * *

"Later, Jedi girl."

Rey rolled her eyes and watched Poe walk out of the mess hall. "Was he upset?" Rey asked Finn.

"At who?"

"I don't know. Just, upset in general."

"Nah, I think he's just tired of us arguing."

"Maybe. It's just," Rey hesitated, wondering if she could find the words and if she wanted to share them. "It's just, sometimes, I can sense...things. Through the Force."

Finn tilted his head to one side. "You mean like, feel someone coming into the room before they do?"

Rey shook her head. "No---well I mean yes, I can sense that, but I'm talking more about a sense of...of feelings. From others."

Finn's eyebrows shot up. "Like me?"

"Sometimes."

"What am I feeling right now?" Finn asked, leaning towards her.

"Like you're trying to hide how foolish you feel for mentioning Canto Bight around Poe," she said.

"That wasn't what I was feeling at all!" Finn laughed.

Rey glared at him as she grabbed her tray and stood up.

"Oh," his face fell. "Do you really, hmmm, do you really think that made him upset?"

"I don't know, Finn. Like I said, it's just a feeling,” she said, shrugging. "You know him better than I do."

"Yeah,” his brow was furrowed now.

“I might be right. I might be wrong. I’m still not---it’s hard.” Finn wasn’t looking at her now, and she wasn’t sure what else to say, but she was tired of standing still. “I should go read. See you later."

"Later, Rey."

She left, deposited her tray at the rinsing station, and headed towards her quarters.

An hour into reading her books, Rey was beginning to go cross-eyed. She could not stand being in her quarters for another minute. Grabbing her cloak, she made for the nearest exit outside.

Rey was still getting used to base life; being around more people, the same people at that, day after day, with most of that time spent indoors. She had never considered how wonderful fresh air was until she had spent weeks breathing the recycled air on the Falcon. But since they had made base on the planet, she tried to slip away to the outside at least once a day, wandering further out to the trees and hills when she could.

There was a particular place, about 15 minutes away, where she went if she really wanted to be alone. She'd been making the trek there for two weeks now and had started referring to it as her spot in her head. Finn had not followed her out there---yet---so it was still a quiet, safe place to watch the suns rise or set. It might even make for a decent place to watch the stars one night.

Opening the door to the outside, Rey was met with a wall of rain. Tonight would not be good for stargazing after all, but she wasn't going to let a little water get in the way of her outdoor alone time. She pulled the hood of her cloak over her head, gripping it close around her shoulders, and headed towards the path that would take her to her spot.

As she walked away from the base, she passed a soaking Poe, giving her a look as if she was crazy for venturing outside. Rey didn't understand why everyone was so obsessed with staying dry when the rains came. Didn’t they know how precious water was? Poe had previously tried to explain to her that other planets---planets that were not Jakku---had rain frequently, sometimes too much, and so some beings grew up used to it. Rey wasn't sure she would ever get used the precious drops that fell on her face, washing every remembrance of sand away.

She finally arrived at her spot, breaking free of the trees that had been shielding her from the worst of the downpour. She walked to the clump of felled stumps where she usually sat and lowered herself down, legs crossed. Rey smiled, then stuck out her tongue to catch a few raindrops. Her clothes were wet, but not entirely soaked, thanks in part to her heavy cloak. The rain was beginning to let up, making it easier to see her surroundings, which was when she noticed something unusual on the ground in front of her.

Rey got up and went to inspect a bit of brown that stood out against the green grass. It was the peel from what looked like a daelfruit, which they’d been putting out in the galley to eat this week. She turned, looking around for another person, but she couldn't see or sense another member of the Resistance nearby.

So. Someone had found her spot.

I mean, that was fine. It wasn't that well hidden. She'd been wearing a deeper path into the foliage with every trip she'd made out here. And then she had gone and moved those rocks in a line straight up to the clearing one day when she was bored. Someone was bound to find her spot sooner or later. It didn't actually belong to her. She could share.

Her shoulders drooped. She didn't want to share. She wanted a place where no one would stare at her, questions in their eyes that they would never dare ask aloud. She needed a place to think about Luke and Kylo Ren, away from Leia. She wanted a place to think about her place among her new friends.

She rubbed the peel between her fingers, gazing into the distance. Well, the chances of her actually running into another being out here at the same exact moment were still very low, she thought. And who was to say they hadn't been coming out here long before she had discovered this spot?

The rain was barely falling now. She pushed back her hood, enjoying the patter of moisture on her forehead. Wandering back to the tree stump, she took up her seat again, and lifted her head to the sky, smiling. Right then and there she decided she would never tire of the rain. No matter what planet she was on, no matter how long it rained, she would never take it for granted or get annoyed by it.

Tearing the peel into two pieces, she worked the bits with her hands as she thought back to the day, and the moments she wanted to ruminate over and dissect. Rose laughing at a joke Rey had made as they worked on a project together. Rose laughed easily and often, but Rey was still getting used to being around people who actually laughed at her jokes. It was probably her most favorite feeling, making her new friends laugh.

She closed her eyes, recalling her quiet meeting with Leia. Once a week since Crait, they had met in Leia's quarters, and Rey would reach out with the Force to make sure the bond between her and Kylor Ren was still closed. She had worried she might open it up again in the testing and trying, which is why she only ever sought him out in the presence of Leia. So far, it had been quiet; gone, or at the very least, still closed. She hoped to the Force the connection was severed forever, but it was a worry that kept her awake at night.

Today, the meeting had gone as it had in the weeks previous: Leia sat next to her, calm and warm, as Rey reached out, past Leia, past the trees and creatures, towards the sky and into the stars, seeking out that crackling signature. Sometimes they sat for only a few minutes, sometimes it was for half the day. Today, Leia had stopped her after an hour and declared that they needed a drink.

Rey opened her eyes, a ghost of a smile playing at her mouth. She wondered who else Leia shared drinks with. Commander D'Acy, of course. Connix seemed like a safe assumption as well. Poe, obviously.

Poe.

Rey bit her lip, remembering how he had left the mess hall that night. She didn't like seeing any of her friends upset, but seeing Poe so serious, his Force signature darkening in real-time before her---it was unsettling. Poe was warm and full of flight, but tonight, in an instant, it was as if a curtain had been drawn around him and the temperature dropped.

Finn had told Rey all about Canto Bight: the mission, the place itself, and what he had learned from his brief time there. Rose had recounted her version of the events one afternoon as they worked on the Falcon together, filling in key components to the story. But tonight realized that there was even more to the mission than she first thought. There must have been for Poe to react like that.

Rey continued to chew her lip, wondering about Poe, when she startled, realizing she had unknowingly been reaching out for his signature and had found it back at the base. She continued to hold his signature as if she was cradling it between her hands. The curtain was still there, drawn over him. Slowly, she reached out, purposefully looking for Finn and Rose now. She found them quickly, close together, contentment brushing up between them. Rey smiled. She wasn't sure if this was allowed, or if this was eavesdropping, but she liked knowing that Finn and Rose were together and were okay. She let them go, holding on to Poe for a few more seconds, turning the feeling of him around in her head like she was looking for the fabric to pull back and release the strong, warm light back to where it belonged. But it wasn't a thing she could fix, so she let it go.

Rey closed her eyes, and turned the prodding on herself, searching the myriad of feelings flowing through her, trying to find a balance between them all.

* * *

Rey continued to make the trek to her spot on the hill once a day for the next two weeks. She usually made it there mid-morning and returned before lunch; occasionally, she waited until evening to watch the suns set. After the daelfruit peel, she continued to see indications that she was not, in fact, the only person who frequented this spot on the hill. There were the various fruit pits and peels scattered around the tree stumps; a water bottle that had appeared one night then disappeared the next day, and then there was her cloak.

She had abandoned her cloak on the ground (she’d been stargazing and using it as a pillow) in her rush to leave one evening, and when she made it back the next morning, she found it neatly folded on top of one of the tree stumps. Then, four days later, she found the usual peels on the ground, along with 3 small jiruusis piled on the stump. She smiled, and gleefully ate them, letting the juice drip down her chin. She left the three pits in a neatly stacked pile, exactly where the fruit had been left on the stump, hoping the leaver would understand it as a gesture of thanks.

* * *

"I'll see you later, buddy!" Poe squeezed then slapped Finn's arm as he left the mess hall and headed for his walk outdoors. So far, no one had seemed to notice that he disappeared for a few hours after the evening meal a few times a week. He wasn't sure how long this would keep up, but he would take it while he could.

When he reached the top of the hill, the suns were just beginning to dip below the treeline. Poe walked towards the clump of tree stumps, smiling when he saw the three pits stacked where he had left the jiruusis the day before.

"So, I'm sharing my spot with someone, huh?" he muttered, smiling, as he gathered up the pits, and tossed them back and forth between his hands. He lowered himself to the ground, leaning back on one of the stumps.

He'd been startled to see the fabric scrunched up on the ground that day last week. It wasn't that he thought that this spot was entirely secret. But he had liked the idea of a place where he didn't have to worry about running into anybody. And now, it seemed it was a thing that was likely to eventually happen.

So, in a gesture of peace, and perhaps trying to say "Look, you stay out of my way, I'll stay out of yours", he'd left the fruit there on his next visit. It was only later, as he was unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, that he realized any animal or creature could get to the fruit before the other being who shared his spot got there. But apparently, his peace offering had been found undisturbed.

Poe leaned forward, shaking the pits in his cupped left hand, tossing one into his right, and with a flick of his wrist, threw the jiruusi pit into the woods. He continued to rattle the remaining pits in his hands, narrowing his eyes as he focused on a rock at the edge of the clearing. He wanted to crawl out of his skin. It had been such a long day, full of talking and looking at maps, and more talking, and he hadn't stepped into the hangar in two days.

He flicked another pit towards the rock, hitting it on the right side. He knew that after losing so much of their upper command, he would have to take on more responsibility. He knew it, he accepted it, and was trying to grow into it. Some of it had been easy. He had wanted to show Leia that she could rely on him, trust him. He wanted to prove that he could learn and grow---that he had moved beyond the stunt he pulled with the Dreadnought.

But also.

He tossed the final pit at the rock and missed by an arm's length. But also, he missed his X-Wing. He missed the freedom and the control he had up in the air. Black One had been his pride. He and BB-8 had spent so many hours doing the necessary maintenance, making adjustments to make her the best ship. He'd tried to keep Black One sparkling clean, scrubbing the carbon scoring off himself, which earned him a lot of teasing by the rest of Black Squadron. Snap had once made the observation that Poe didn't have time for relationships, because he was already in one with Black One, which wasn't far off from the truth.

Poe leaned back against the cluster of tree stumps, sighing. He was tired. He was tired and he missed his damn ship and he wanted to crawl out of his skin or just, take his brain out and give it a full reset. Maybe then he could finally sleep at night.

He tried to slow his breathing. He didn't need to think about things. He needed to be calm. He just needed to be, here, touching the ground, alone and away from everyone.

Sometimes he saw the new recruits point his way and give him a look. He’d gotten used to that during his days in the academy. When he’d joined the Resistance, it had continued, and who was he to stop others from pointing out the hot shot, slap-him-on-the-recruitment-posters-handsome pilot?

But now.

Now he was sure when the fingers were pointed, they were followed by a hard stare, and a sad headshake. "See him? He's the reason the Resistance had their fleet slaughtered." No one had said this to his face. Yet. But he knew it was a matter of time. He was bracing for it.

Opening his eyes, Poe looked to the rising moon, just visible in the twilight sky. How many trips out here, by himself, before he was ready to meet those inevitable confrontations head-on? How many sticks would he need to break, how many rocks would he have to toss, how many hours of solitude before he felt like himself again? Would he ever feel like himself again?

And what was he gonna do when he ran into whoever else it was who came out to this spot? Tell them "Excuse me, this is where I come to break down and cry and scream, and I can't have an audience, so if you don't mind, find your own hill to fall apart on"? Hell.

Poe hugged his knees close to his chest, resting his head on his crossed forearms. He wished to the heavens and cried out to the Force for some form of release. Was it possible to feel everything so deep in your bones, it makes you numb? He’d give anything to cry; take every thought and feeling he’d had since Leia had sent him to Jakku and release it back to the Force, into the void of space---wherever, he just wanted it all far away from him. But there was nothing, no release, no calm, just the weight and pain in his chest that he couldn’t escape.

He sat like this until it was dark, then arose, and slowly walked back to the base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't get enough of the quiet, unseen moments in Star Wars, and love me a ridiculously slow burn, so I thought I'd try my hand at it with these two. Many thanks to all the wonderful Damerey authors who've inspired me, and thanks to you for reading! We'll see how this goes. :)


	2. Chapter 2

Rey continued meeting with Leia, studying the Jedi books, meditating, and spending time alone out on the hill. She ate meals with Finn, Poe, Rose, Chewie, and occasionally Leia. She trained with her staff. She tried fixing the lightsaber. Sometimes she was called into meetings, which she hated. 

She went out to the hill at various times of the day over the following weeks but never ran into her fruit friend. This is what Rey had taken to calling them in her head, as every few days a few pieces of fresh fruit would be left for her on the tree stump in the clearing. She appreciated the gesture but didn't know how to return the favor. She felt that she owed them something---but she had nothing to give or leave behind. The sweet rolls were the most coveted food item and would have made for the perfect gift, but it was impossible to snatch an extra one. Not even Poe, who could charm the kitchen staff into sneaking him just about anything, was able to procure an extra bun when they were served. 

But Rey was determined to leave a gift for her fruit friend this particular day. Instead of heading straight for the summit, she wandered toward a stream she had found when she first started exploring outside. She searched for a tree, bush, anything that was bearing fruit, even trying to use the Force to find one, but she came up empty. 

Rey took a moment to sit on a rock near the edge of the stream and dipped her fingers in the cool water. There, under the clear water, she noticed a stone about the size of her palm, half-covered in moss the most brilliant shade of green. It reminded her of Ach-to, which had been an island primarily composed of mossy rocks, only in much duller shades. She wondered if every planet had its own particular shade of moss and if such a thing had ever existed on Jakku. 

She tossed the rock between her hands, and did a full turn, looking at the area with new eyes. Maybe she couldn't find anything practical as a gift, but she could find something beautiful. Was that silly? She didn't want to know if it was. She had treasured the desert flowers she found in the sand dunes during the spring on Jakku, and maybe her fruit friend would appreciate the flora as much as she.

Pocketing the mossy rock, she spent the next half hour plucking yellow flowers, blue and green leaves, arranging them into a bouquet. She found a small tree, its tiny branches covered in pink, fluffy petals, and whispered a "Sorry" as she snapped a twig off. Making her way back to her spot, she kept searching for bits to add to her arrangement, so by the time she made it to the top clearing, she could barely hold it all in her one hand. 

Rey pulled one of the leather ties out of her hair and used it to tie off her bouquet. Sitting down on the stump, she plucked out a few leaves and rearranged some of the flowers until she was satisfied. There was a bird chittering in a nearby bush. "What do you think?" she showed the bird her arrangement. "Would you like it?" The bird cocked its head at her, then flew away to another tree. "Right then, hopefully, my fruit friend isn’t so picky." She left the flowers in the spot the fruit always was, and at the last minute, pulled the mossy rock from her pocket and placed next to the bouquet. "Hope it stays put. Keep an eye on it, will you?" she nodded towards the bird, then headed back to base, a slight spring in her step.

* * *

Poe was rather pleased with himself. Not only had the General talked to him about going on a mission soon, but he had also managed to get a whole container of berries from the kitchen this afternoon. This was in addition to the large bowl Zahara had handed over to him at breakfast, which he had shared with Finn and Rey. Well, Rey had eaten half the bowl, and the two men had shared what remained. Poe never begrudged Rey or Finn any extra portions, and since Zahara and the rest of the kitchen staff liked him, he gladly accepted any extra food they wanted to sneak his way---if he didn't eat it, he knew Rey would. 

He walked, on the verge of sauntering, out to the hill, taking long strides up the final slope. A week ago, when he still hadn’t run into the other being he was clearly sharing his spot with, his attitude towards them had begun to shift. He started to think of them as his hill pal, seeking out and saving food to specifically bring to them instead of just leaving whatever he didn’t want behind. 

Hill pal would be astonished when they saw what he was leaving today, he was sure of it. He didn't know why the thought pleased him so much. 

Poe approached the tree stumps, turning his head sideways when he noticed the bits of color gathered there. A smile broke out across his face, his eyes crinkling and lighting up like the engines of Black One when he saw the small bouquet of grass, leaves, and flowers laying there. It was set next to a mossy rock, which was cool and soft to the touch. Poe was reminded of Yavin 4, and the many piles of moss rocks he made when he was younger, building ships and bunkers out of them. When was the last time he'd paid any attention to the things growing on the planets the Resistance hopped to and fro on? 

He set the berries down and picked up the bouquet, gingerly raising it to his nose before breathing deep. It was sweet and fresh, but still had that pungent undercurrent that seemed to permeate the entire planet. 

Poe tossed the rock in the air a few times, then dropped it in his pocket. He sat down on the grass, still clutching the flowers in his left hand, staring out to the treeline. He didn't even really need to come out here today. He felt fine. I mean, he still needed sleep, but that was nothing new. But overall, he felt better than he had in days, weeks even. 

However, now that he was out here, why let it go to waste? Laying down, he set the flowers on his stomach, then laced his fingers behind his head. The hill put him at a slight angle, so he could still watch the suns-set. He enjoyed the view for a few minutes before his eyes started drooping, fluttering shut. Poe didn't try to fight it, relaxing further into the grass. 

As he drifted off, the sweet smell of the flowers wafted up towards him. He dreamed of Yavin, and building rock forts, only he wasn't young and the rocks were too large for any human to carry on their own, but in the way of dreams, he seemed to lift and arrange them with ease. He was finishing up the final touches when he heard a voice calling him. He thought it was his mother until the voice rang out again. The woman calling his name had a small lilt to her voice. He'd heard it before, but he couldn't quite place where. 

"Aren't you going to answer, flyboy?"

He turned around and was face to face with Holdo as he'd last seen her; blaster in hand, an angry, disappointed look in her eyes. 

"Poe."

He turned again to see Tallie, still in her flight suit, helmet firmly in place. He looked around, and there was Paige, Jerd, Ackbar, and godsdammit, Muran. The fort was somehow now filled with the dead, and still, there was a voice outside, calling his name.

He turned back to Holdo, opening his mouth---whether to apologize, beg forgiveness, or ask a question he wasn’t quite sure---but he couldn’t get any words out before she raised the blaster and fired.

Poe sat up straight, clutching his chest and gasping for air. Looking up, he saw the stars and small sliver of the moon, realizing he must've been asleep for a few hours. He wiped a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, and tried to calm his racing heart. "They're not here," he whispered. "They never are." He stared at the moon, wishing it was bigger, brighter, nearer. He wished it would crash right into him, and send him to a dreamless sleep. But these were dangerous thoughts, and he knew better than to linger there. 

He stood up, brushing the grass off of his pants, muttering "It's okay" to himself over and over again as he paced the ground. After a few minutes, he sat on a tree stump, silently saying the words to himself until his heartbeat was steady. He groaned as he stood again, willing one foot in front of the other as he started back for base.

He made it halfway into the trees before he remembered his flowers, turning around and frantically searching for them on the ground in the dim moonlight. After nearly stepping on them, he clutched them in his hand and didn't ease his grip until he had made it back to his quarters, promptly placing them in a cup of water on his bedside locker. He didn't sleep well that night, but he never did. 

When his comm alert went off at 06:00, he gave the droopy bouquet a bleary smile. Maybe he'd be able to steal a sticky bun today for his flower pal.

* * *

Rey was almost disappointed when she arrived at the hilltop in the mid-morning and saw no one else was there. She wasn't sure if it was because of the gifts of food, or the prospect of meeting someone else who needed alone time like she did, but she had begun to imagine meeting up with her fruit friend instead of dreading the possibility. 

There were a few birds clustered around the tree stumps that scattered when she got closer. She fairly gasped when she saw the large bowl of berries sitting there, halfway full. She turned and looked at the birds, now sitting in the trees, eyeing her, shouting "OI! These were for me!" Rey picked up the bowl, smiling. Poe had brought a bowl of berries nearly this size to breakfast yesterday and kept shoving it at her until she had eaten at least half its contents. Examining the pecked-at berries, her mouth twisted up, and she glared at the surrounding birds. 

"Spoiled rotten creatures. You probably gorge on fruit every day, and here you are, stealing my gift. I bet you've had more of these in the past week than I have in my entire life!" She plucked several berries up and tossed them towards the tree. "Well you started on these, might as well finish them!" The birds chittered as Rey tossed the top layer of the berries towards the tree until she was fairly sure the ones remaining had been untouched by the feathered thieves. 

She sat on the ground, shoving four berries into her mouth at once, paying no mind to the juice dripping down her chin. She hadn't thought to bring anything with her today, and she felt like gathering more flowers as a present would have been cheating. So once she was finished with the bowl (realizing too late she could have saved some and brought them back to share with the others), she started scavenging around the ground, looking for small rocks. 

When her two hands were full, she walked back to the stumps, using the rocks to spell out "Thanks". When she finished, she pointed her finger in sky. "This is a message, not food, so leave it alone!" she said sternly to the remaining birds fluttering about.

She brought the bowl back to base, taking it back to the mess hall where she assumed it had come from. As she left, Poe was walking in. She nodded at him, and when he noticed her, he spun around, walking backward. 

"Rose is looking for you!"

"Where?"

Poe stopped, put a hand on his hip and gestured wildly with his right hand "Where else would you find Tico these days?"

"Right, hangar" Rey laughed. She took a few steps backward, waving her hand. "Thanks!" 

"Sure thing," he called after her. "ALSO!" Rey spun around, eyebrows raised.

"Yes?"

"You've got something, here, Jedi girl," Poe said, pointing to his chin, his eyes smiling.

Licking her palm before she wiped her face, Rey sighed at the nickname and walked off to find Rose, leaving a chuckling Poe behind her.

* * *

The following day, Rey didn't make out to the hill until early evening, and her shoulders drooped when she saw her message had been undisturbed, and there was no sign of her fruit friend anywhere. 

Two days later, the message was still there. She went down to the stream before going back to base, and threw rocks in the water, watching the ripples they made for an hour. She should've never left those flowers. It was a stupid way to say thank you. She was probably the only person in the Resistance who actually went outside and looked for flowers to just enjoy them. If they didn't serve a purpose, why bother with them, right?

She tossed a rock the size of her fist in and sputtered as the water splashed back up all over her legs, a few drops landing in her mouth. Frowning at the water, she turned and left. She was done with the outdoors for today.

* * *

Poe hadn't made it out to the hilltop in four days, which meant it had been that long since he'd had a moment to himself. He'd been rushing from meeting to meeting---strategizing and planning. And in the moments in between, he was checking in with his friends, pilots, the newbies, hell, anyone passing by in the hallway. He was trying to run himself ragged, hoping it would be easier to sleep at night. 

It wasn't.

And now. Now he was moving too fast to even think about if he was avoiding the hill because he didn't want to be alone, or because he was worried he wouldn't be alone now. His brain swung so quickly from one worry to the other, it hurt his head if he stopped and thought about it for longer than a heartbeat. 

But. He had snapped at Kare in a meeting, and while she'd given him a look, it was Leia's raised eyebrows at that moment that had caused him to realize he was near a breaking point. He could handle anything Kare or Snap said to him, he probably deserved it, commanding officer or no. But he was determined to avoid any dressing down or concerned confrontation with the General. So. Here he was. Walking outside, toward the hill, the suns beginning to set in the distance.

It wasn't until he lengthened his stride to make it up the final slope that he realized he hadn't brought anything for his hill pal today. The flowers he'd brought back were still mostly alive, the pink petal branch remaining the most vibrant.

He exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when he broke through the trees and didn't see another being within his sight. Tonight, he needed to be alone, he couldn't handle talking to anyone else today. 

When he reached the three stumps, he gave a quick smile to the message written in rocks before swiping them off and sitting down where they had been. He sat, thinking of nothing and everything, all at once. He concentrated on the feel of the wood underneath his hand as he leaned back; the green of the trees; the vibrant orange sky; the sound of the birds. He tried thinking about the upcoming mission, but his mind kept flashing back to the Raddus, and he couldn't handle that. So he thought about Finn instead, and the shirts and pants he'd lost to him in the past few weeks. A diminishing wardrobe was a small price to pay for keeping Finn in the Resistance and near him. A small part of Poe's heart had ached after Crait and it became clear Finn had eyes for Rose and not himself. But the ache had passed, and he relished the friendship and mutual, unwavering trust that bound them together.

Poe tried to avoid thinking about Rose because it lead to thinking about Paige and he missed Paige too much right now. She would've been jumping at the chance to go on this next mission. Poe squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn't even sure why Rose still said more than "Yes" and "No" to him. Sometimes, Poe wished she would ignore him, yell at him, give him the anger and truth he knew he deserved. But Rose had continued to talk to him. She even ate with him when he joined the table. If she had gotten up to leave and spit in his food, he was pretty sure he could've handled that better than her genuine smile and warm voice. He wished there was a way to show Rose how strong and brave this made her. 

His thoughts drifted towards Rey, the Jedi girl, who was forever surprising him. She was quiet, but not shy; straightforward and to the point when she talked. He was starting to get used to how much food she could put away, but it still occasionally took him aback to actually watch her eat a breakfast that was at least the size of his, if not bigger. BB-8 was smitten with "friend Rey", and her smile when she talked with the droid made it obvious the feeling was mutual. Perhaps the only person who surpassed droid's respect and admiration for the Jedi was Finn. Rey and Finn were constantly at each other's side; he was glad they had each other. Really. He just wasn't used to being on the outside of a group, the one being let in, rather than the one who let everyone else in. Since he was young, he'd always been the one who brought others together. And when he was Squadron Leader, he'd been at the center of the group. And now. His two young friends were so comfortable around each other; he wasn't sure if he belonged with them, or his old squadron, or with Leia and D'Acy. 

He was so tired. He was so tired of thinking and of trying not to think. So he finally just stared at the sky and thought about the colors and tried to remember what sunsets looked like back home. He thought they were brighter, with more blues, but it had been so long since he'd been there, he wasn't sure if it was a memory or a dream he was recalling. 

When the suns were nearly gone, the sky a soft shade of purple fading to black, Poe stood up to leave. He stretched his arms to the sky, before settling them on his hips. Looking down at his feet, he saw the pile of rocks he'd swept off earlier, remembering he had come out empty-handed tonight. He knew he didn't have to leave something. He didn't owe anything to this other being. But. Still. It felt wrong to leave without acknowledging their note. So he picked up some of the rocks and spelled out his reply. It was all he could do that night. He hoped it was enough.

* * *

Rey had spent the morning meditating, which had eventually dissolved into wondering what use it was actually serving her, spiraling into thoughts questioning the Force itself. She had days like this occasionally, and they left her feeling like she was lost on a dune in the deserts of Jakku.

She left for lunch frustrated and tried not to look too disappointed when she didn’t see Rose or Finn at any of the tables. She knew she’d be welcomed by anyone sitting down for lunch right this minute, but she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be Rey the Jedi.

Because, inevitably, that is what the other Resistance members would want to talk about. It would start with small talk (which Rey still found baffling and beyond her grasp), and just when she thought she was in the clear, she’d be hit with some version of “So, what is it like, being a Jedi?” It wasn’t a conversation she was adept at having in the best of circumstances, much less on a day where she was questioning the purpose of the Force. 

When she was with her friends, though, she could simply be Rey, even on the days when she wasn’t sure of what “just Rey” meant. It was one of the many reasons she preferred Finn over every other being she knew. To him, she was Rey, friend and scavenger first---the Jedi bit was secondary. 

Rose had stopped treating her like someone who stepped out of a classic holonovel when they’d started talking about machines and how to best repair the Falcon one afternoon. And Poe, well, Poe sometimes looked at her with stars in his eyes, but frankly, he gave that look to everyone several times a week. He’d started calling her “Jedi girl”, which made her roll her eyes, though she was still unsure if he did it to tease her, make her feel special, or if Poe Dameron just gave everyone nicknames.

So, with her friends nowhere in sight, Rey found a small corner table, quietly ate her lunch and used this opportunity to play her new favorite game: Are you my fruit friend?

It had started after she left the flowers. She’d begun to look at others at mealtimes, as they passed each other in the hallway, or in the meetings she had to endure, and assess how likely they were to be her fruit friend and why. She had even tried to pick up some sort of Force signature on the hilltop and search for it, but either that wasn’t how the Force worked, or she was very bad at sussing out the unknown. 

She had been so sure she never wanted to see another being out there, but quite liked the idea of sharing the space with an unknown someone who needed the solitude as much as she did. Now, after days of nothing from her fruit friend, she was looking at others with a hidden longing. Any one of them could have been the one going out there, and now they had stopped, and she wanted to know why. Had they conquered whatever problems drove them there in the first place? Or was she projecting too much onto her fruit friend---did they even think of _her_ as a friend? What if they were actually only going out there for the suns-set?

After Rey finished her lunch, she opted to take one of the Jedi books out to her spot to study for the rest of the day. She meandered along her way, plucking a few flowers and leaves along the path. After leaving the bouquet for her unseen companion, she’d decided that her own quarters could use a few bits of green and color. 

When she reached the summit, she didn't immediately see anything new that had been left, and her heart sank for a moment. There were the rocks, still on the tree stump where she had left them, a full week ago now. But when she got closer, she realized their position had changed. Smiling, she bit her lip and waved to the words "HI PAL" spelled out on the wood. 

She stayed outside for the rest of the day, thinking, sleeping and reading until it was dark and she could no longer make out the words on the pages. Marching back to base, her own flowers in hand, a plan began to formulate in her mind. She wasn’t officially needed by Leia for another three days, and the General had been clear she was allowed to spend her time however she pleased.

Well. It would make her very pleased to see her fruit friend. Even if it was just one time.


End file.
